The Sins of the Father

*

The sins of the Father

do not have to be

inherited

by the son,

no,

not if the father

will take responsibility

and amend

make a mends

put an end

amen.

* *

I have been in abusive relationships

more than once

more than twice

more than 1,000 times.

In every lifetime,

I've been abused.

In this lifetime, it started

with my first boyfriend,

the one

who took my virginity

chewed it up

wrapped it in an old

Dentyne wrapper

and threw it

out the window

of his orange

Dodge

Dart.

His abuse was silent,

controlling:

I saw him on Saturdays,

talked to him

on Thursday;

I was not allowed 

to call his house.

He called me.

We would go out

to movies

every week.

I saw movies,

forgettable movies,

and then

we'd go for pizza.

Rather,

he'd go for pizza;

pizza was a spectator sport

for me.

I was not allowed 

to get fat.

Needless to say,

I went through my anorexic stage

that lasted

five years or so,

long after he was gone.

My 2nd boy

friend

was a 

great friend

until I got

pregnant, and then

he beat me, until

our wise baby

departed

in a flood 

of blood.

My husband,

20 years my senior

and gentle

(or so it seemed at the start)

remained silent

for 14 years

refused me access

to his thoughts,

to his heart,

to my old friends,

to any new friends.

For all that time

I remained

hermetically sealed

and awaiting permission

to live.

I wanted to replace

that child that I lost

He refused me

by 

refusing me.

I left him,

                    and yes

it was all my fault.

( kroger )

Intermittently, I've been

the lover

for married men,

the fantasy

they never told,

seduced

by lies

No more of that.

I won't talk about

the last one,

the One

I loved the most,

the One

who still makes me

smart and cry.

But that was the One

who helped me see

the pattern of my life

with men.

That was the one

who made me see

that abuse

is inherited,

                       as is victimhood.

ENTER: my mother, the eternal victim,

her mother, too, 

and hers before that;

                    my father's mother -

                 too strong for that;

            and she

decided

                              I was my mother's daughter,

and let me be.

And the abusive men:

whose fathers abused

in secret

because

their fathers abused

in secret

because

their fathers abused

in secret

because

one of their fathers 

abused

in public

and everyone shook their heads

and muttered about

his saint of a wife.

They abused because they did not know

how to do it:

how to be a

man.

( lemaze )

* * *

Before God expelled

man and woman

from the garden,

their punishment

was made clear:

to the man: you will toil on the earth,

and you will die.

to the woman: you will wail in pain with birth

and must

obey him.

A bitter pill

for both, both who dared to think

they could be 

gods

when in fact,

they were only

like gods --

always a shade away

from being

the All,

and the bitter pill:

God to Man:  You want to be God?

fine!

                         I'll put you in charge

                           and leave you to fend

           for yourself.

Ha!!

God to Woman: You want to be God?

fine!

                            You will be the source

            of creation,

and 

                          it will tear your body

          with agony

      and you

       will also,

            by the way,

               have to obey

him.

HA!

Two clueless children

in the wilderness

were they

and immediately

the sins

compounded

and the sons

inherited

the sins

and believed

that they were truth.

but now,

oh now,

we can see

the sins of our fathers

are the sins

of children

who had no clue.

( hollywoodgo )

* * *

The sins of the Father

do not have to be 

inherited

by the son,

nor the sins of the mother

by the daughter

NO

Not if the current father

and mother

will take responsibility

and amend

make a mend

put an end

to this nonsense

by admitting

we were never meant to survive

alone.

We need the Other.

We need Each Other

We need to say

I'm sorry

We need

to admit

we didn't know,

never knew,

just did it that way

because someone else 

told me to.

We never listened 

with our hearts.

That's right.

In the end

all you need is love,

pure love

amen