Place of Refuge

Place of Refuge

13 October 2010

The Sins of the Father


The sins of the Father
do not have to be
by the son,
not if the father
will take responsibility
and amend
make a mends
put an end

* *

I have been in abusive relationships
more than once
more than twice
more than 1,000 times.

In every lifetime,
I've been abused.

In this lifetime, it started
with my first boyfriend,
the one
who took my virginity
chewed it up
wrapped it in an old
Dentyne wrapper
and threw it
out the window
of his orange
His abuse was silent,
I saw him on Saturdays,
talked to him
on Thursday;
I was not allowed 
to call his house.
He called me.
We would go out
to movies
every week.
I saw movies,
forgettable movies,
and then
we'd go for pizza.
he'd go for pizza;
pizza was a spectator sport
for me.
I was not allowed 
to get fat.
Needless to say,
I went through my anorexic stage
that lasted
five years or so,
long after he was gone.

My 2nd boy
was a 
great friend
until I got
pregnant, and then
he beat me, until
our wise baby
in a flood 
of blood.

My husband,
20 years my senior
and gentle
(or so it seemed at the start)
remained silent
for 14 years
refused me access
to his thoughts,
to his heart,
to my old friends,
to any new friends.
For all that time
I remained
hermetically sealed
and awaiting permission
to live.

I wanted to replace
that child that I lost

He refused me
refusing me.

I left him,
                    and yes
it was all my fault.

Intermittently, I've been
the lover
for married men,
the fantasy
they never told,
by lies

No more of that.

I won't talk about
the last one,
the One
I loved the most,
the One
who still makes me
smart and cry.

But that was the One
who helped me see
the pattern of my life
with men.

That was the one
who made me see
that abuse
is inherited,
                       as is victimhood.

ENTER: my mother, the eternal victim,
her mother, too, 
and hers before that;
                    my father's mother -
                 too strong for that;
            and she
                              I was my mother's daughter,
and let me be.

And the abusive men:
whose fathers abused
in secret
their fathers abused
in secret
their fathers abused
in secret
one of their fathers 
in public
and everyone shook their heads
and muttered about
his saint of a wife.

They abused because they did not know
how to do it:
how to be a

( lemaze )

* * *

Before God expelled
man and woman
from the garden,
their punishment
was made clear:

to the man: you will toil on the earth,
and you will die.

to the woman: you will wail in pain with birth
and must
obey him.

A bitter pill
for both, both who dared to think
they could be 
when in fact,
they were only
like gods --
always a shade away
from being
the All,

and the bitter pill:

God to Man:  You want to be God?
                         I'll put you in charge
                           and leave you to fend
           for yourself.

God to Woman: You want to be God?
                            You will be the source
            of creation,
                          it will tear your body
          with agony
      and you
       will also,
            by the way,
               have to obey

Two clueless children
in the wilderness
were they
and immediately
the sins
and the sons
the sins
and believed
that they were truth.

but now,
oh now,
we can see
the sins of our fathers
are the sins
of children
who had no clue.

* * *

The sins of the Father
do not have to be 
by the son,
nor the sins of the mother
by the daughter
Not if the current father
and mother
will take responsibility
and amend
make a mend
put an end
to this nonsense
by admitting

we were never meant to survive
We need the Other.
We need Each Other
We need to say
I'm sorry
We need
to admit
we didn't know,
never knew,
just did it that way
because someone else 
told me to.
We never listened 
with our hearts.

That's right.
In the end
all you need is love,
pure love



Debra She Who Seeks said...

The wisdom that comes from experience and a willingness to tell the truth . . . .

PENolan said...

Thanks for letting me know you're here.
In addition to other commonalities, we both reference Star Trek
Nice to meet you

Makropoulos said...

You Too! And Debra, you rock, too!