Conversation In The Garden: A Radio Play

(for those of you

who have so kindly

read Makropoulos'

musings over the past months,

you know,

I have an obsession with the Creation Story,

and I keep retelling it,

over and over.

If you don't like it,

I'm sorry, but

think of it this way:

Elton John has been writing the same song,

over and over again,

all his career,

and for some odd reason, he gets away with it.

So here I go again, with mine:)

  

Garden of Eden, Lucas, Kansas

 sound of crunching and biting. . . and crunching . . .  an apple . . .

Adam:  That was good

Eve:  Nice and crispy.  Want another?

rustle of leaves, as she reaches

for another

Adam:  Better not; he told us not to. 

Hey, look at that bush over there.  It has

bright red berries on it.  Maybe we can eat them,

instead.

Eve:  Who says they're bright red?

Adam:  I do.  He told me, whatever I say goes.  GENESIS 2:19: "and

whatsoever Adam called every living creature

that was the name therof. . . "

Eve:  Oh, brother, this is going to go to your head.  Hey, what's that thing in your hand?

Adam:  What?

Eve:  That thing, in your hand -- What is it?  You know, we could get

a hell of a lot more done around here if you'd just

put it down.  

Adam:  I can't put it down.

Eve:  What do you mean?

Adam: It's stuck to me.

Eve:  What?  Let me see.  Oh my god!  

It's a snake!

(twigs cracking and grasses swishing

as she rises from

a lying position)

Adam:  No!  It's not!  It's me!  Come on back here!

Eve:  It's awful!  How can you touch that thing

all the time?

Adam:  It feels good!   You'd be touching it all the time

if you had one.

Eve:  Well, I don't. 

Rustle of leaves 

as she moves closer

Eve:  Oh, my god, it's growing.  It's moving!

Adam:  yeah, it does that whenever you bend over.

Eve:  Oh my god . . . .

Adam:  Stop saying that

sound of snap of a twig again

Eve:  here, take this and cover it up.

Adam:  I am not covering mine if you don't cover yours.

Eve:  I don't have one.

Adam:  Yeah, I know.  And I think that's kind of freaky, so

cover it up.

sound of leaves being picked,

Adam and Eve making 

little noises, as they adjust their new

wardrobe. . . 

Eve and Adam:  randomly  No, put it there.  Oh, I don't like it there, move it over.  Don't cover that part;

I like that part. . . 

Eve: Laughing  You need a bigger one!  

ripping more leaves

Eve:  Here, let me help

Sound of rustling, 

and bodies getting closer

Eve & Adam: randomly  Ewww,  

Oh?  Oh!

OH! . . Aw  Aw  ah  ah 

AH!

ew

ohhhh

Adam:  You should cover those, those two.  If the rule is to

you cover whatever you feel like touching all the time,

you should definitely cover those.

Eve:  Well, I don't want green on them.  I mean, I like them SO much. 

I want a better color.  

I need red.

Adam:  Well the only thing big enough that's red

is an apple. . . 

Eve:  Apple?  What's an apple?

Adam:  Those red things we ate.  You know, the ones we're not supposed to eat.

Eve:  Oh!

sound of rustling, apples being plucked

Adam:  Eve!!  What the hell did you do that for?  We're not supposed to!!

Eve:  Well, we already ate one, so we're screwed.  What's two more? 

Besides, I'm not eating them.

pause

Eve:  By the way, what is hell?

Adam:  What?

Eve:  You just said "what the hell!"  What is hell?

Adam.  indifferently  Oh.  It's just something I said.

It doesn't mean anything.

Eve:  Well, it does now.

Adam:  Why?

Eve:  Because you said it.  You know: you're the First Man,

and He gave you the power to name things.

So, if you say it, it's bound to mean something.

big sigh, then, exasperated:

My God!

Adam:  Stop saying that!  pause  Do you really think

that EVERYTHING I say is going to mean something?

Eve:  Somewhere down the line.  If you say it enough,

it's going to mean something.
If it doesn't mean anything,
than why say it?

Hey.

Will you please help me . . . 

with my apples?

Adam:  Oh, yeah, baby, I love them apples. . . 

ooh, ahh, ewww,. . .

Rustle, rustle,

the tinkling sound

of sparkling sun

on wet leaves, the

deep exhale

of a spring breeze. . .

Eve:  Uh, oh.  

Adam:  giggling.  He's coming.  Put your apples back on.

Eve:  what about that thing?

Adam:  What?

Eve:  This thing?

Adam;  Oh, . . . . .we'd better leave them on, too.

Eve:  What?  (obviously she is involved with her apples)_

Adam:  Leave it!

Eve:  What?

Adam:  Leave it!

Eve:  What's it?

Adam:  Leave it!!!

Eve:  Oh, it's a leave.

Adam:  What?

Eve:  The thing you're wearing on your thingamajig,

it's a leave.

Adam:  Oh, is it?

Eve:  You just named it, you primate, you!

More gracious rustling

tinklings of

the sparkling sun

on wet leaves,

the gentle sound

of spring rain,

and breath,

always breath. . . 

Eve:  He's really essentially good.
He'll forgive us.

Adam:  Are you worried?

Eve:  Yeah, a little.  Aren't you?

Adam:  Yeah,  Adjust your apples.

And they heard the voice

of the Lord God

walking in the garden

in the cool of the day:

Lord God:  Hidee Hidee Hidee Ho. . . 

Adam:  whispering  I hate that song. . .

Eve:  What's hate?

Adam:  still whispering  It's the feeling that I get

whenever he sings that song.

Eve:  Hidee hidee hidee ho. . . it's kind of nice.

It kind of doesn't mean

a damned thing.

Adam:  That's why I hate it

Rustling

gentle breezes,

birds singing

spinning cymbals,

deep breathing.

L.G.:  Hidee hidee hidee ho. . .

Adam?  Where art thou?

Adam:  knees knocking, clenched together in fear,  whispering: Oh, fuck!

Eve:  What?

Adam:  Oh!  It doesn't mean anything!

Eve:  Stop saying things that don't mean anything,

than insisting that all your words

have meaning.  If you keep doing that,

I'm just going to start singing

Hidee hidee hidee ho,

all the time!

L.G.:  Adam!  (L.G.'s voice is firm, but a soft, patient tone)  Adam!  Where art thou?

Adam:  calling  Oh!  Oh!  Is that you?  Why,

I head thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid because

I was naked; and I hid myself!

Pause

Absolute silence.

Then. . . 

Sharp inhale, 

like a typhoon --

L.G.:  Who told thee thee was naked?

Adam:  Uh. . . . Uh. . . . 

Eve  whispering  Did that mean something?

Adam:  Uh. . .  . Uh. . . . 

L.G.:  WHO TOLD THEE THEE WAS NAKED?

Adam:  whispering  I'm afraid it does mean something

L.G.:  Hast thou eaten of the tree,

whereof I commanded thee

that thou shouldst not eat?

Eve:  Maybe I misjudged HIm.

Adam:  Uh. . . . The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, 

she gave me of the tree,

and I did eat!

Eve:  OH, My GOD! No!

L.G.:  Yes, dear.  Yes, that's right:

Adam just produced a falsehood.  

It's true: sometimes what he says is

god's truth, and sometimes,

well, 

it means nothing at all,

and sometimes,

rather than burn his own ass,

he's going to blame it all

on you . ..

So get ready:

I'm about to tell you what you get

for eating of the tree. . . 

Adam:  I'll take door number three.

L.G.:  What the hell does that mean?

Eve:  See, He's saying it now, so it must mean something.

L.G.:  What do you mean?

Eve:  Adam's been saying that all day long. . . What the hell. . . . What the hell. . . 

L.G.:  Oh, it doesn't mean anything.

Eve:  Come on, now, what was the lesson

you just gave me about the First Man

over here, and falsehood?

L.G.:  Oh,.   O.K.  

Let me tell you what that phrase means:

"What": means, well, it's what you say when you

don't know something.

Adam and Eve:  What?

L.G.:  Precisely.

Adam and Eve:  Oh.

L.G.:  Yes, what.  Now, "the" is the definite article.

A and E:  What?

L.G.:  Again, precisely.  That's what a bunch of people are going to say in the future,

people from Russia and China and Japan

and a few other places, too,

when they try to learn English.  You see,

their language

will not have

a definite article, 
because
they recognize you really don't need one.
I mean, an apple's an apple, right?
But

English needs one, because

English speaking people are just that particular.

They have the intellect

of a giant five year old:

the English language lets me focus on 

just one apple

and say

"I want that one."  

and you would say

"What one?"

and I would say:

"That One" 

and you would say

"What One?"

and I would say

THE apple perched on your

left boobie

Adam and Eve:  Oh!  That Apple!

L.G.  Yes.  That Apple.  I'll take the other one too.

Adam and Eve:  Why?

L.G.:  I like apples.  They're my favorite 

fruit.

And you weren't supposed to touch them.

Adam:  Why didn't you tell us that?  If you would have put it that way,

we would not have eaten one.  But instead you just said

"don't" and we didn't know why.  

Eve:  yeah!

L.G.:  I did tell you.  I know I told you.

Adam:  I don't remember.

L.G.  Oh, I know I told you.  I know I said it right over there, a few days ago,

remember?  We were lying in that leafy grove over there,

when we were with your cousins, smoking the green plant, 

and I told you.

Adam:  Oh, yeah, that was fun.  But I don't remember you telling

us anything important. (to Eve)  Do you?

Eve:  Well, you know, I do, now that you

bring it up.

And you know: we were smoking that stuff before we ate

the apples,

too.

L.G.  Oh, great.  I told you not to smoke too much of that stuff.

Because you really can't handle it.

Adam and Eve:  Who?

L.G.  You.  I told you, I told you, I told you,

and you don't listen,

which is a mistake,

because

I am GOD!

Adam and Eve:  Who's God?

L.G.:  Me!

Adam and Eve:  Is that your name?

L.G.:  Sure, for now.  I mean, I heard Eve saying it:

Oh, my god! and I thought she was talking

to me. 

I like the sound of it, too:

God.  God.  God.

Do you know God is Dog 

spelled backwards?

Adam and Eve:  What's a dog?

L.G.:  Oh, my buddy Satan's a dog.

Adam:  What?  Really?

L.G.:  Yeah,   Satan's a dog.

sound of barking, then

growling and snapping

He's a bit tempermental, but he's a dog.
Man's best friend, you know.

Adam:  Well, the Bible says Satan's a serpent.

L.G.:  A what?

Adam:  A serpant.  A snake.  It's the same thing.  I just 

made up that other word for snake.  

Serpent.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

Eve and L.G.:  What was wrong with "snake"?

Adam:  Nothing!  Snake's a fine word!  But,

if you want to write poetry,

serpant would sound better.

Eve:  Oh, Lord, he's driving me crazy.

L.G.:  Lord.  I like that name too.

Eve:  I mean, first it's a snake, then

he gets all poetic on us

and it's a serpant.  Next

thing you know, he'll say

Oh, and that big black one over there

is a"python,"

and that spotted one

is "boa,"

and

that beautiful brown and black one

is a "viper" . . . . 

Adam:  Eve, those are really nice words!  Can I use them?

Eve:  But I say:  they're all snakes!  Just snakes!

And I also say that the only snake

in this scenario is the one

that's hanging between

his legs.

L.G.:  Where?

Eve:  That thing hanging between his legs!  Adam, move your leaf.

L.G.:  Oh, that thing.

Eve:  yeah, that thing.  I can't help but notice:

you don't have one.

L.G.:  I don't need one.   You only need one of those

when you have to reproduce.

Eve:  Really?

Adam:  What are you guys talking about?

Eve and L.G.:  Don't call us "guys."

Eve:  And why is your noodle growing, Adam?  

I'm not bending over.

sound of rustling grasses

Adam  distracted  What?

Eve:  turning  Lillith?  What are you doing 

back there?

Lillith:  Oh, just picking some of these pretty red berries. 

Eve:  Lillith!  Stand up, get ouf of here, 

this is MY side of the garden!

Adam?

Adam:  It's just your cousin. . . . 

Eve:  I know precisely who Lillith is!!!  

Adam  whispering to the L.G.:  What's her problem?

L.G.:  Her problem is this:

You both ate the apple,

my favorite fruit. 

And at the instant you ate it,

suddenly,

she saw it

and

you saw it:

and you both recognized it.

Eve, what you didn't know before

because you didn't have to know

before apple 

(let's call that "B.A." for short,)

B.A. you didn 't know he was

walking around with that thing

in his hand

all the time.

If it wasn't in his hand, he had it

stuck in a tree

or a sheep

or whatever

because 

it kind of has a mind all its own.
That doesn't make it right,
but the poor guy is stuck to it,
and sometimes that thing's brain
takes over.

Luckily

he had it in you 

a lot

because you are

his other half,

the thing I made

from his rib.

And I have to say,

I did a good job with you.

You look just like me!

I didn't get it quite right the first time,

but the second time was a charm!

 Adam:  What?

L.G. and Eve:  Never mind.

L.G.:  Anyway, that's why

I didn't want you 

to eat the apple 

because it's the fruit

of knowledge, a gift 

that only I 

can bare sanely because

I don't care.

I don't care

what he's got in his hand,

or what happens

when someone else 

bends over.

Because I know

I know 

that in the long run

it just doesn't matter.

Yeah,

I can't know and not care

because I'm eternal; I

don't have to reproduce,

but you do.  Because

that was the only way

I could build you.

Anybody who has had the patience

to read this blog knows

the essential truth 

and problem of creation:

Eternity, the All, the Lord

cannot reproduce itself 

in its totality

because All

is only always All, 

So in order to reproduce myself

I had

to produce my parts,

of which you two

Adam and Eve

are very important parts of me,

and this beautiful 

ecosystem

is a reproduction of what I need

to sustain myself.

And Lillith is me, too

as is her rib-mate, Ted. . . 

Adam and Eve:  Ted?  His name is Ted?

L.G.:  Yeah.

Adam and Eve:  Why Ted?

L.G.:  He liked the sound of it.  I told him

the same thing I told you, Adam:

"what you say, goes"

and he named everything, 

too,

but he just has different names for everything.

Adam: sounding hurt You told Ted that too?

L.G.:  Yeah.  Why not?

Adam:  I think Ted and I better talk.

L.G.:  Maybe.  Especially given the mess

you two made of it all.  I mean,

you've messed up for everybody.

Adam and Eve:  We two?

L.G.:  Yeah, you two.  You broke the rule,

so now everybody has to suffer.

Adam:  Well, if you hadn't 

put all that weed all around the tree,we wouldn't have smoked it and then

eaten that lovely red, crunchy fruit.
You should have told us not to smoke that.

L.G.:   But I couldn't, because
you need to smoke it, in order
to keep from killing each other.
I put it there, because

I like to smoke it and then eat apples.

The crunch is so delightful 

when you have a little buzz on.

And I told you not to smoke so much

because you can't handle it!

Adam:  My God!  I forgot!

L.G.:  Don't use my name in vain!   I told you I knew what 

would happen, and I told you not to eat, and you did!

Adam:  Eve!  Don't go away!  I need help here!

where are you going?

Eve:  To get some of those berries over there. . . 

rustling . . . 

Adam:  to L.G.:   So are you telling me 

that you can't put it back to the

way it was with me walking 

around with my thingee in my hand

all the time, and with her not caring?

You're God!  You  should be able

to do that!

L.G.:  Sorry.  The problem is: you have enough

of me in you that once the process starts,

I can't stop it. . . .

You're on your way.  

You're going to really start evolving now,

inventing fire,

and wheels,

and books,

and guns,

and fishing rods,

and trains, and clocks, and

boats

and radios and cars

and submarines

and rockets and 

bombs

and the internet, eventually,

and you're going to ultimately

strive

to reproduce me,

God, 

the creative force,

the replicating power,

the All, the Timeless, the Eternal, and

. . .

Adam:  Eve?  Where are you?

L.G.:  And, ultimatley, you'll get pretty close,

and then

we'll have a tangle, you and I, 

like two jealous brothers

Adam:  Oh, look, there's my cousin Bruce,

over by the tree.  Lord. . . . I'll tell him not to eat

the apple. . . . will that make it good between us?  

Eh, Lord, Buddy?

L.G.:  Don't call me Buddy.  I'm Your God.

Your Creator.

And don't you ever forget it.

Adam:  Hey Bruce!  Don't eat that! 

You'll have trouble!

And hey, buddy, put a leaf on that thing,

it's getting pretty big. . . 

 L.G.:  whispering  This is going to get ugly.

Adam:  Bruce. . . . what are you looking at?  Bruce?  

rustle rustle

Eve!  Stop picking those berries!  Stand up!  And Bruce,
you stay away from her!

I'm going to kill you . . . . 

She's MY rib-mate. . . go find your own

more rapid rustling, sounds of slapping,

Adam and Bruce grunting,

and saying "ouch!"  "Ouch!"

"you Asshole!  Ouch!" 

Meanwhile:

A Deep Sigh,

as deep as the darkest night

and as long and lush

as a thousand thousand thousand

long grassy grasses 

swaying in a sea breeze

L.G.:  I'm getting out of here.  It's going to get

ugly,

(more sounds of slapping, and swearing. 
New words are being invented
by the second)

and no matter

what I say, they won't listen. . . . Oh. . . . 

I'll try to give them some rules,

in another few hundred, or

thousand

years

or so.

They just won't listen to me at all,

not now.  

I know that. 

"ouch!  Stop it!"  branches breaking,

pans clattering, general 

confusion, then pause

Adam:  Eve?  Eve?  Where are you going?

Eve:  Hey, Teddy, what are you wearing?  Oh, I like it

in that color. . . 

Adam,  OK, that's it, Eve.  You come back over here,

or I'm going with Lillith.

Eve:  Oh, no you don't!  Don't you dare!

L.G.:  Yep, I was afraid something like this would happen

 . . . it's going to take a long time. . . .

a long time. .. . .

I guess I'll just go sit

in this galaxy over here and

watch

for awhile.  I might even have to

look away

sometimes, because

I'm afraid it's going to get

really bad.

But every now and then,

I'll send a messenger,

someone to give them a clue

on how to get along.
And mostly,
I'm afraid,
they won't listten.

Brush of air,

crash of lightening,

  smash of thunder

and then a sudden

downpour of rain

Eve:  Now, Adam, what are you doing over there with Bruce?

OK, That's it.  Ted!  Let's get out of here.

Adam:  Eve!  Eve!  If you do that, 

I'm going to

cover you, from head to foot,

with leaves!

I'll cover your face, too!

You can't leave!

You're my rib-mate!

Rustle. . . . Rustle  . . . .

rustle

rustle

Adam:  Where's Lillith?

the end

 epilogue

woof!  woof!

L.G.:  Satan!  Satan!!

                    whistling

Here, boy, Satan

barking and scurrying that disappears into the distance

L.G.:  Oh, the hell with him. 

He can stay here.  I'll just go

over here. . . . alone

pause. . . 

and wait. . . 

pause

for someone to call me

on the phone.