Place of Refuge

Place of Refuge

24 January 2010

a Purge: on Absent Love, the Joker, and Sadness

I have not written for awhile, because it pains me so to put into words the thoughts in my mind.  Such a burden.

I've been wrenched away from someone I love far too much.  I've done the wrenching myself.  But why?

After all these years, all these centuries, perhaps I found him: my soul mate.  A man who is absolutely me and absolutely the opposite of me.  When I look into his eyes - and when we're both being sincere - we become a nothing, a glorious absence, so absolutely content to dissolve in the other.

He is my mirror image.  Or perhaps he is a psychopath.  I am not certain which.  All I know is I experienced the most extreme happiness with him, and the most extreme pain.  His mind and mine meet on a glorious plane, but the rest of the time his thought process is the exact opposite of mine.  We form the same conclusions, but by different routes.

Imagine the hall of mirrors, the multitude of reflecting surfaces that choreograph the backwards and forwards of your body and your mind, to the point that you don't know which surface is truly you,  and which is not.  This is where I was when I was with him, and reality began to slip away, to a point where all I could do to keep it alive was lie in the sun and feel a cat's whisker on my face.  And love, just love.  I became pure love when I was with him, and it was glorious, for awhile--

So why leave such a creature?  In the third paragraph above, I give the reason why - "when I look into his eyes - and when we're both being sincere -"  Yes, sincerity.  Honesty.  Total openness.  I demand no less.  At this point in my existence, games bore me.  I need sincerity and practicality.  I am, in a way, a mutant - a pure mind.

Unfortunately, he still likes playing games, and he began playing games with me.  He's the Joker, he told me, fairly recently, and his favorite playthings are the people around him.

When we think of the Joker, of course, we currently think of Heath Ledger's final, fantastically fatal figure in The Dark Knight.

But the Joker is far more complex than that: in the Tarot, The Joker is The Fool.  The Fool has no number; he precedes the Major Arcana.  He represents choice, and impossible, beautiful goals.  If he appears in your reading, one should be cautious in their choices.  If he appears upside down in your reading, well, that's a bit more dangerous, as the choices can be foolish, even treachorous  He is the "wild card" that can overpower all the others, if you're not careful.  He is the point of transcendence, the entry way to a higher consciousness, even in his absence of conscience.

He can say whatever he wants, and get away with it, but at the same time, sometimes his words are utter wisdom.  Like the Fool in King Lear, he is the one who sees the truth, and says it.  And those around him must listen very carefully.

I may have committed the greatest sin by fleeing him.  I wanted so to stay with him. I basked in the simple beauty of being with him.  I loved the way he provided an entry for me, to the sublime.

But when he began to threaten me, I feared that he was actually telling the truth.

Jokes for the Joker sometimes come true.  Even though he doesn't mean them to.  And so I have fled, and now I live in such a dark place, where the only reflecting surface is my own eyes.

I need to find the Joker in myself, the dancing Fool.  The silly girl who can look at a star, and be transported to it.  He helped me find her, and for a time, it seemed, everything was possible.

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